Happy Birthday, dear knee!

Yesterday, 4 years ago, I underwent my last surgery (to date). Counting 3 injections in my shoulder and one major operation, a screw in my right hand thumb, countless MRIs, CT scans, a very painful steroid injection and four operations to my knee, a 'birthday' is a nice time to look back. 

A little over four years ago, I could barely walk 100 meters before my knee would give up on me. Now many hours (many hours) of physio therapy later, ups and downs, I can walk. Not great distances, but at least I can walk to the supermarket without much trouble. On occasion that might be with a limp, and recently it has been with perma tape on my knee, but walk I can. And do. 

So here is a little photo essay (spam) of my joint adventures. If you have any questions regarding hyper mobility, dislocation/(sub)luxation of joints, please do not hesitate to ask me.

Frustration Station

I have started and deleted this post many times today. Because I don't want to throw a pity party, but at the same time I am a pressure cooker about to burst. And just like a pressure cooker at that point, I need to vent.

I have been incredibly frustrated lately. I want things, that I know I physically cannot do. And rationally I can tell myself that there is no point in wanting these things, but as many times, the heart wants what the heart wants.

I miss working towards matches, draining myself to the point where my legs turn to pudding, I miss training for a reason. Another reason than training by myself to try to not fall apart even further. There is no reward.

My ribs started rattling in November, but as painful as that might be, it oddly doesn't bother me nearly as much as my knees. It hampers me in my every day life, but it doesn't feel as an unsurmountable obstacle. But my knees.. Especially the right one. And just as I decided to try and come up with a crazy goal, something to work towards. But even before I could try to think of something, my knee decided otherwise. Between exercises I was shaking my legs, to loosen up my muscles and poof! My kneecap decided that being in place was too mainstream and flipped out of place (and thankfully it flipped right back too). Freaked out was my first reaction, sad the second. This was not supposed to happen anymore. 

Later that night, as the icing on the cake, my left knee just gave way. One second I was standing, the next I was trying not to flop to the ground. If you know me, you know I did it with my eternal grace: limbs flailing about and a few f-bombs and other ladylike terms. And now I am no longer sad. I am downright angry. Not constructive, won't solve anything, but I am angry at my body. Pressure cooker about to explode. And I want to run it off. Or erg it off. Or body check someone off a ball. And I can't. 

So here I am.. Firmly parked, and waiting at Frustration Station.

A decade

Measures of time always seem more impressive in words than numbers. 10 years doesn't nearly carry the magnitude of 'a decade'. But in the case of my knee, a decade is definitely more in place. February 5 2004 was the day when, in hindsight, my life changed, forever. 

What seemed an innocent enough knee injury over time changed into something far more permanent. It brought me to where I am today. 

Four operations, well over six months on crutches and countless hours rehabbing. And still, twice a week I head to the training room to faithfully work through my exercises. Ever adding to the hours in the gym. A quick crunch of numbers and a careful estimate now puts me on over 1400 hours. 86.400 minutes. A decade. Perhaps numbers are more impressive than words.

I am proud with where I am today. I'm physically stronger than I have ever been, throwing myself into weight training and pushing myself harder every week. I supersede the goals I set, and keep setting new ones. It challenges me. Not just physically. But mentally too. Different exercises, challenging exercises, they keep the process fresh. 

I no longer try to want what I can't have. I still want to run. Desperately. I can envision myself running an endurance marathon. The brainwashing monotone left-right left-right. For hours on end. I miss it. But I try not to want it. And that is progress. 

The ugly truth

Last week I blogged about my health kick, and I feel if I go all 'yay healthy me, I should also be honest when I'm stuffing my face. And did I stuff my face last week! I just love to eat!

So the health kick didn't go so well eating wise. However I did squat and deadlift 65kg last Friday and my training regime has gone into 'kill-mode'. And seeing as how this week marks ten years since the start of the knee saga, there is no time like the present! (the anniversary is Wednesday, I'll come back to it then!

And I promise, food blogging will happen soon too!