I have been incredibly frustrated lately. I want things, that I know I physically cannot do. And rationally I can tell myself that there is no point in wanting these things, but as many times, the heart wants what the heart wants.
I miss working towards matches, draining myself to the point where my legs turn to pudding, I miss training for a reason. Another reason than training by myself to try to not fall apart even further. There is no reward.
My ribs started rattling in November, but as painful as that might be, it oddly doesn't bother me nearly as much as my knees. It hampers me in my every day life, but it doesn't feel as an unsurmountable obstacle. But my knees.. Especially the right one. And just as I decided to try and come up with a crazy goal, something to work towards. But even before I could try to think of something, my knee decided otherwise. Between exercises I was shaking my legs, to loosen up my muscles and poof! My kneecap decided that being in place was too mainstream and flipped out of place (and thankfully it flipped right back too). Freaked out was my first reaction, sad the second. This was not supposed to happen anymore.
Later that night, as the icing on the cake, my left knee just gave way. One second I was standing, the next I was trying not to flop to the ground. If you know me, you know I did it with my eternal grace: limbs flailing about and a few f-bombs and other ladylike terms. And now I am no longer sad. I am downright angry. Not constructive, won't solve anything, but I am angry at my body. Pressure cooker about to explode. And I want to run it off. Or erg it off. Or body check someone off a ball. And I can't.
So here I am.. Firmly parked, and waiting at Frustration Station.
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